just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
