just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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