A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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