when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
