Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
false alarm. still invincible.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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