this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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