I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
