remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
