Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
