Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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