What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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