my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
