There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wish my penis had an off switch
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
