happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
