dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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