Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i dont even know how to be here
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I don't deserve a penis
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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