he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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