just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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