On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
