i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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