We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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