you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
