I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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