Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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