I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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