Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
