those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
