So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
