there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
