I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
