I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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