so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
