Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
