It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need water and some morals
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
