i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
