just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
farters have to be the big spoon...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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