I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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