if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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