We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
