my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
