You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
