I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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