If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
