My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
