I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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