How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
