Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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