i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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