I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
