I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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