i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
