two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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