That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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