i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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