i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
