You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
