Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
