My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
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I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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