i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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